It’s a Mud, Mud, Mud, Mud World / The Ballad of Badbeard

Phineas and Ferb help Candace learn how to parallel park by building a monster truck track in the backyard. Meanwhile, Dr. Doofenshmirtz is marketing his new line of monster trucks to investors, and proceeds to try and get rid of the competition. Phineas and Ferb with their friends search for the treasure of Badbeard. Meanwhile, Dr. Doofenshmirtz moves into his new lair in Spleen Island. Candace touches the orange moss and “hallucinates,” seeing Perry as a secret agent.

Summary
"We’ve gotta help Candace get her confidence back!"

- Phineas Flynn

Linda takes a look out into the backyard and sees Phineas and Ferb standing around a small racetrack. When she asks what they are doing, Phineas says they are racing their toy monster trucks and rigged them to go light-speed. She doesn’t see any monster trucks so she tells the boys they have such active imaginations and they must have gotten it from their father, who is doing a paint-by-numbers in the house. She hears a car honking in the front yard and tells the boys that she’s going to her cooking class with Charlene. Just as she leaves, the boys finish their race and it’s revealed they actually did rig their toy monster trucks to go light speed, unfortunately they are unable to tell who won. Meanwhile, Candace is in her room in despair. The land line rings and Candace picks it up. Stacy, who is on the phone, asks why she isn’t picking up her cell phone. Candace tells her that it’s because of a little thing called parallel parking. She explains that yesterday, Lawrence was teaching her how to do it by telling her to park between two trashcans which were several car lengths apart. But she panicked and continuously crashed into the trashcans back and forth, screaming the whole time. Candace believes she will never get her driver’s license and calls herself a loser. Her brothers overhear her plight and Phineas can’t believe how he’s never noticed how soft their carpets are. But more importantly, he decides to restore her confidence in driving and parking. He asks if Ferb has any ideas and Ferb pulls out plans for a monster truck, which the boys deem “The Candace Crusher.”

Perry is in the living room and pulls a part of a lamp down to reveal an entrance to his headquarters in a sofa. He enters and arrives in his headquarters where Major Monogram tells him that he received a memo and Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s name was abbreviated as “Doof.” The major laughs about this, but Perry is not amused. He is told to go out and do his stuff and stop that “Doof.”

Back at the Flynn-Fletcher household, Phineas is guiding large delivery trucks into the backyard while Ferb remodels their mom’s car. Lawrence, in the meantime, has finished his latest paint-by-number and hears a loud honk outside. He opens the window to see that the boys are driving a monster truck right outside the window. Phineas tells him that it’s to help Candace with her parallel parking so she can have the confidence to drive anything. Lawrence thinks it’s a good idea, but decides to call Linda to see it’s okay. Linda says he’s as bad as Candace and he says okay, hanging up the phone and telling the boys it’s a go and that he’ll go get Candace. Linda, at her cooking class, has her phone taken away by a frustrated chef and smashed to pieces. However, his rings, much to his embarrassment. He answers it and gives the phone to Linda. It turns out it’s Candace calling to tell her that she thinks Phineas and Ferb are building a monster truck. However, Linda blows her off and hangs up while being glared at by the chef. Candace then decides to go along with the monster truck idea, even though she believes she will never be able to parallel park. Phineas assures her that the truck is just to build her confidence. She realizes that they can’t drive where they are, as the backyard is too small. But Phineas and Ferb unveil that they built a monster truck rally in the backyard, making Candace even more nervous.

Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. Dr. Doofenshmirtz tells some investors that he has a unique investors opportunity for them. He says that monster trucks are popular but aren’t really monsters, just big, stupid, trucks. So he came up with his own line of monster trucks which look like monsters, he’s convinced that they will corner the markets and just to be sure, he created the Monster Truck Away-Inator to do away with the competition. One of the investors asks if it’s safe to use, and he fires it at his head, causing it to swell. Doofenshmirtz tells him it’ll probably go down after a while. He fires at a toy monster truck as a demonstration, which sends it to a baby alien in a crib which eats it. Doofenshmirtz says they should try it out on a real monster truck, which brings up his next invention, the Monster Truck Locat-I-Nator. Perry is sitting on it and Doofenshmirtz tells him that the one he is sitting on is not the real Inator, but rather a Chinese Platypus Trap. The real Monster Truck Locat-I-Nator is revealed, and they find a that the nearest monster truck is at Phineas’ monster truck rally. Doofenshmirtz and the investors proceed to drive there, bringing Perry with them.

Isabella promotes the rally through the TV, attracting many other monster truck drivers to the monster truck rally. Candace’s first task is to maneuver through a traffic cone course, but instead she runs them over repeatedly in the same way she had hit the trash cans when she was learning to parallel park. Next, Candace has to drive up a gentle incline, but she notices Lawrence looks nervous. He says he has full confidence in her while he’s strapping a pillow to himself with a helmet on. As Candace drives, the path she’s on get’s steeper, turning into a loop-de-loop incline. She reaches the top and it turns into the “Brake Test” as the truck slides back down. She passes this test successfully and begins to have a bit more confidence.

Doofenshmirtz turns the corner onto Maple Drive and sees there isn’t any parking, telling himself he should have built a Parked Car Away-Inator, to which an investor says he would buy.

As Lawrence congratulates Candace, monster trucks speed by, covering them in mud. One of them is driven by Buck Buckerson, the Monster Truck rally promoter, who taunts her, and they proceed to race against each other. Eventually, it ends in a tie, and the tie breaker is the parallel parking challenge. Buck boasts to Candace about his finesse, but then panics and drives back and forth into the two cones, and Lawrence tells Candace that even a trained professional will have trouble from time to time. This gives Candace the courage to successfully parallel park the vehicle perfectly.

By this time, Doofenshmirtz has made it all the way to the rally, but Perry breaks free from the Chinese platypus trap. Another investor who wasn’t here earlier cut him free. Perry turns the dial to Doofenshmirtz-Mobile and Evil Investors Away-Inator to make him and the investors disappear into a baby alien’s crib, where they are quickly eaten. Back at the rally, Buck admits Candace is good at driving, and says he’s going to a rally in Badgertown, but the track there isn’t as good as this one. Phineas tells him can have it as there’s no need for it now. Buck and his crew drive away, track in tow. Ferb presses a button to return the car to normal just before Linda comes home. When she sees them, she asks why they are all covered in mud. Ferb explains that it’s because Candace is “a tire spinnin’, gear grindin’, clutch burnin’, backfirin’, paint tradin’, red-linin’, overheatin’, throttle stompin’, truck drivin’ girl.” And she learned how to parallel park, which Linda says is great.

"Let’s be real pirates and search for Badbeard’s treasure!"

- Phineas Flynn

Early morning at Camp Phineas and Ferb, Clyde Flynn is playing the trumpet loudly around the tents. Inside Phineas and Ferb’s tent, Phineas shoots upward, commenting that it “sounds like someone strangling a cat! It must be grandpa!” Him, Ferb, and Perry walk out of the tent, ready for the day. Exiting his and Buford’s tent, Baljeet is coughing, exclaiming that he can’t believe they ate the same food, to which Buford responds with a burp and a solemn “Believe it!” Walking up to her grandmother, Candace asks where the shower is, but Betty Jo replies sarcastically, implying this is a spa. Candace says she could do without the sarcasm.

After a little bit, Grandpa tells the kids breakfast is over, and it’s time to go on their walk to Badbeard Lake. Phineas asks why the name is what it is, to which Grandpa responds by explaining the definition of a lake. Phineas states he means the “Badbeard” part, and so Grandpa explains it was named after Captain Badbeard, the most notorious freshwater pirate to ever plunder a lakeside community. The kids awe at this, and Grandpa goes on to explain Spleen Island, it’s legendary curse, and Badbeard’s stash of booty. Phineas remarks “Booty?” and so Grandpa explains it means treasure. The kids marvel at this word, and Grandpa colors one of the lenses in his glasses black to look like a pirate. He then starts singing the ballad of Badbeard with Buford playing the concertina.

After Phineas says that the song is very short, Grandpa remarks he didn’t say it was much of a song. He then tells them to meet them on the trail in 5 minutes, and they salute him. Stretching out his overalls, Baljeet remarks that he “seems to be missing his underwear,” to which Buford answers by laughing and pointing at the flagpole, with Baljeet’s boxers waving in place of a flag. In 5 minutes, the kids, Grandpa and Grandma, and Candace are hiking up a hill. Grandpa starts explaining how to be safe on the trail, and brings up the dangers of the Orange Moss. As he explains it’s properties, Candace begins getting bored and leans on an orange moss-filled tree, flipping open her cell phone. She complains about the lack of reception, as Grandpa ends his speech. Candace then realizes that she touched the moss, and then backs into the other tree, getting more moss on her skin. She then freaks out and runs off, screaming.

Grandpa then points his wooden walking stick at Badbeard’s Lake, and the kids are in awe. Grandpa then points at the center, where Spleen Island lies. He then states that the souls of the failed treasure hunters are lying in Davy Jone’s locker. Phineas says that’s cool. Grandpa then leads the kids down the dirt steps, singing the ballad as they go. Grandma stops and wonders where Candace is.

Perry is walking mindlessly through the forest, before hopping up and slapping on his fedora, picking up and pressing a button. When nothing happens, he looks around, and is surprised as Agent E swoops down and picks him up and into the sky. She lands in her bird’s nest, laying Agent P down and placing on her fedora. A video communicator cracks out of an egg with Major Monogram on it. He greets Agent P, and thanks Agent E. Then he explains to Perry that they are undergoing remodeling, and that his wife is doing it in a Mexican-Country style. Agent E then tries to feed Major Monogram’s egg, and he tells her to back off. Once she does, he tells Perry that E spotted Doofenshmirtz on Spleen Island and is moving boxes into the “Cave of the Old Sea Hag.” They believe he is making a new hideout, and Perry needs to stop him.

On the tree across from them, Candace has her fingers over her eyes binocular-style and sees Perry salute. Acting hallucinogenic, she comments on the “messed up” happenings in the across nest. She then passes it off that it is the cause of the moss and she is hallucinating. She then wonders how she got up on the tree, and violently falls down, crashing into branches and landing in a bush, coughing. She then sees Agent E fly by and drop off Perry at the docks. Candace then accidentally gets her ankle caught in a rope attached to the wet ski that Perry darts off in. Candace then sees a talking zebra rocking in a rocking chair, who calls her Kevin. She then flies off along with Perry.

At the lakeside beach, Baljeet and Buford are dueling with wooden swords like pirates, while Isabella, Phineas, and Ferb sit inside the boat. Grandpa jogs up, and Phineas decided that they should sail to Spleen Island and find Badbeard’s treasure. Grandpa encourages them, and tells him of his youth, when he, attracted by the excitement, searched for the treasure. But then, he “discovered girls and the rest is a blur.” Though he didn’t find the treasure, he did find the map, and so he pulls it out of his hat. Buford, still dueling with Baljeet, stops and remarks to the treasure. Baljeet hits him in the rear, and then scared runs away from the angry Buford. Grandpa explains then that the treasure comes with a curse, and whoever dares to open it will be cursed with bad beards forever! The kids like this, and Grandpa says he’s going to go look for Grandma.

Candace is imagining a psychedelia backdrop around her and multicolored oozing hair as she flaps behind Perry’s wet ski. But in reality, she is banging very violently on the water screaming, as Perry ventures inside the Cave of the Old Sea Hag.

Ferb unrolls the map on a metal stand. Phineas moves his pointer along the map, commenting on the bad-sounding locations they need to dock through. He then turns and remarks that it sounds delightful. Commenting it’s should be “easy-peasy,” he says they have to remake Grandpa’s “old dinghy.” He ask Ferb if he has any ideas, and so he unveils a gigantic, large-shadow casting diagram of a first class pirate ship, and Phineas marks it as impressive.

Perry, meanwhile, zooms inside the cave, as Candace, covered in seaweed, crawls up laughing onto a boulder in the water. She sees Perry very slowly, and laughs insanely. Perry opens a purple door on the wall, and runs inside. Doofenshmirtz asks if it’s the cable guy, picking and capturing Perry in a robotic arm. He walks up to him, looking at a piece of paper, complaining that they don’t carry the evil science channel, before realizing it’s Perry. He yells at him to cut him a break, that he’s moving legally. He bought it cheap, and explains that it apparently is haunted by a “terrifying old sea-hag.” He says that just because he’s evil doesn’t mean everything he does is evil. Perry stares him down disbelievingly, and so Doofenshmirtz says he’ll show him evil if he wants to.

On Badbeard Lake, the ship, now just like Ferb’s plans, is sailing down the blue. Phineas slams out of the captain’s deck, and the group starts singing a longer version of the ballad. After that, the gang mounts onto the island from a small rowboat. They step up mountain side steps, and enter the Tunnel of Doom. Inside, water is leaking, and Ferb is holding up the map as he leads them. Isabella asks Phineas if they’re sure their going the right way, and Phineas assures her Ferb has the map and knows where they’re going. The Map then flutters off of the cliff side. Phineas tries to assure them, and they then stand across of a rickety bridge. Phineas tests it out, and says it’s fine. But when all of them go on the bridge at once, the bridge collapses and they fall through a tunnel onto a giant lizard.

The lizard extends itself and the kids jump off onto a cliff, and run as the beast chases them. They go through dangerous paths, and at one point over a two-part cliff, where Isabella yells at Buford for playing around with “nifty hand puppets” They continue to run, and slow down, ending up in a cavern similar to the tunnel of doom. Isabella asks if they really are in the right place, and Buford asks the possibility of no treasure. Baljeet considers the real treasure to be that of friendship and adventure, but the others ignore him, Phineas pointing to a giant door with a red “X” on it to his left. Entering it they see the chest, and Phineas volunteers to open it. Isabella is scared, and Buford reminds him of the curse, followed by Baljeet saying “You don’t even have a chin!” Phineas opens the chest, and reveals that it is full of tacky (or “bad”) fake beards, wearing one himself.

In Doofenshmirtz’s new lair, he has Perry hovered over a hatch, and opens the hatch to reveal two crocodiles named “Susan and Susan,” after each other. As they snap at Perry, Candace walks up, laughing crazily and covered in seaweed. Doofenshmirtz yells, scared, that it’s the sea hag, and backs off as Candace calls him “the pharmacist!” He trips and sends the button to the floor, Perry now free to escape. Candace tells him she’s getting something from the vending machine, though actually pointing to the self-destruct button. Perry tries to stop her, but she clicks the button wanting beef jerky. The alarm rings, and Perry darts off with her to get off the island. Doofenshmirtz struggles to keep the Susans from eating him.

The kids marvel at the beards, all wearing them, as rumbles start to happen from the self-destruct. They grab as much beards as they can, running off with them to the exit of the cavern. The lizard is still clawing at the entrance to the cavern, and chases after them. But he gets stuck as they shoot through a tunnel hastily, seeing the ship through a hole. They slid out and onto the rowboat, sailing away to the ship.

Perry keeps running down a tunnel with Candace, jumping off a cliff and into a water-rush, which leads to a waterfall. The two fall out, Agent E grabbing them and flying away, dropping them onto the boys’ ship. The island falls into the deep. The kids awe at the amazed of what just happened, as Candace asks Perry (now back to looking mindless) where his hat went. Phineas tells Ferb that it was a great trip, and Ferb remarks it as “perhaps the greatest pirate story ever told.”

Grandpa, wearing a purple beard, agrees back at the campsite with this, and inside the tent, Grandma asks Candace (both now wearing beards) how’s she feeling. She says she feels better, and then says she needs to stay away from the orange moss. Grandma explains it’s actually the blue moss that makes you hallucinate. She says that everything must have been in her head - “the power of suggestion” - and walks off. Candace then accidentally puts her hand in blue moss, and hallucinates the zebra again, who tells her “I love the beard, ‘Kevin.’”

End Credits
A replay of The Ballad of Badbeard, missing Candace’s line. During the logo, Buford says “Bad beards forever, dude.”

Cast

 * Vincent Martella as Phineas
 * Ashley Tisdale as Candace
 * Thomas Sangster as Ferb
 * Alyson Stoner as Isabella
 * Caroline Rhea as Mom and Grandma Betty Joe
 * Richard O’Brien as Dad
 * Mitchel Musso as Jeremy
 * Dan Povenmire as Dr. Doofenshmirtz
 * Jeff “Swampy” Marsh as Major Monogram, additional voices
 * Dee Bradley Baker as Perry, additional voices
 * Bobby Gaylor as Buford
 * Billy Ray Cyrus as Buck Buckerson
 * Maulik Pancholy as Baljeet, additional voices
 * Tyler Mann as Carl (speaking cameo)
 * Barry Bostwick as Grandpa
 * Cymphonique Miller as Holly
 * Ariel Winter as Gretchen
 * Kelly Hu as Stacy
 * Jeff Bennett as talking zebra